Tam's Tall Tales

- Sonnet to a Supermarket

A Tesco Supermarket

Popping in to Tesco in a Poetic Way

When two St Andrews students could not find their favourite popcorn in its usual place on a supermarket shelf, they wrote to the chairman of Tesco to complain.

To make their letter stand out from the crowd they complained in the form of a sonnet and wrote it on parchment.

I write to offer congratulations
On a truly massive achievement:
Selling us salted popcorn sensations.
Yet this praise in not without bereavement.
I found no real solace to my upset
When I went to the shelf popcorn sits on.
And just found the lump in my throat you get
When something you love is there, then it's gone.
I live in St Andrews, thus the issue:
'No plans to restock' you said with a sigh.
So answer this, or hand me a tissue:
Have I butterkist my true love goodbye?
Let this be a dream. Restock when I wake.
I live with salt in my wounded heartbreak.

Full marks to Tesco, whose chairman (no doubt assisted by a creative Public Relations Department) responded in kind:

Alas dear ladies your woes are continued,
The popcorn in question is discontinued
At least from St Andrews in old Market Street
As nobody wanted to buy this sweet treat.

The product in question is not one they chase
Just when on offer, as limited space
A decision was taken though not in great haste
To de-list this item 'cos it ended in waste.

However dear ladies, please dry your tears
We'll still sell your popcorn for many more years.
The only thing is you may need to travel
To find your true love for this tale to unravel.

Your favourite popcorn is waiting for you
Across the Tay River, no really it's true!
Our produce is stocked in both Perth and Dundee.
And I've found a way you can have it for free!

Please smile again 'cos the sun's coming out.
You don't have to worry, you'll not go without.
We know it's been stressful, we know it's been hard.
But you can still buy your popcorn - here's a 10 Giftcard.

Graphic of popcorn on the right via Wikimedia Commons.

Please give me whatever feedback comes to mind via tamfromrampant@gmail.com.

Tam O'Ranter
May 2014

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