Scottish Humour
- Sporting Moments

Kilnockie v Rangers

The Cup Final 2000 scoreboard (in a Robert Duval film)

Kilnockie held Rangers to a 1-1 draw (that's no joke!)



The Scots get passionate about their sport - especially when the "Auld Enemy" is involved.

"It is now generally accepted that golf did not originate in Scotland. No Scotsman would invent a game in which it was possible to lose a ball."

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Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course? It's because that's how long it took the Scottish inventor of the game to finish his bottle of whisky!

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Did you hear about the Scots golfer who wore a black arm-band. He was in mourning for a lost golf ball.

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They were watching the final stages of a golf match on TV in the club house when Sandy came in and suggested turning up the sound a bit. "Sshh! Not now, while Colin Montgomery is putting!"

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Notice on a hut beside the putting green at Girvan: "No Ball Games".

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Jock was playing golf with the minister of the local kirk. At the last hole he missed a six-inch putt which cost him the match. Out of deference to his playing partner, he said absolutely nothing. The minister then observed "That was the most profane silence I have ever heard."

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MacTavish was watching a game of golf for the first time and was asked by a friend what he thought of the game. He replied "It looks to me like a harmless little ball chased by men too old to chase anything else..."

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"Look laddie, if you're in the penalty area and aren't quite sure what to do with the ball, just stick it in the net and we'll discuss all your options afterwards"

Bill Shankly, a highly successful football (soccer) manager. If you want to find out more about this well loved character there is a Web Site dedicated to him.

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"To the Scots, football is a lovely, incurable disease"
"Football management these days is like nuclear war. No winners, just survivors"
"Jimmy Hill [a much derided English football commentator] is to football what King Herod was to babysitting"

Some quotes from Tommy Docherty, player and manager of some standing.

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England drew Scotland in the Euro 2000 play-offs. The England manager, Kevin Keegan and the England team were having a chat in the dressing room before the match. "Look guys, I know they're rubbish," explains Kev, "but we have to play them to keep the football authorities happy." "I'll tell you what," pipes up Michael Owen, "You guys go down the pub and I'll play them on my own, how does that sound?" "Seems reasonable." replies Kev and the other lads, and with that they all go down the Local and start playing pool. After an hour or so, Shearer remembers the match and flicks on the pub TV to see the scoreline England 1 (Owen 10min), Scotland 0. Confidently, they resume their pool match for the next hour until switching back to the TV, the final score reads: England 1 (Owen 10min), Scotland 1 (Collins 89min). "WHAT!!",they exclaim and run back to Wembley where they find Owen sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands. "What on earth happened, Michael?" bellows the manager. "Sorry lads," Owen replies, "Stupid referee sent me off in the 11th minute."

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Kevin Keegan, the England football manager and Craig Brown, the Scotland manager were enjoying a quiet beer after hearing their teams had been drawn together in the Euro 2000 play offs. Kevin turns to Craig and asks him his opinion of what may happen.
"Well I am hoping that we will squeeze a narrow 1-0 victory at Hampden with a late goal, and then hold out for a draw at Wembley to send us through" says Craig. "What do you think Kevin?"
"Well I reckon we will thump the Scots 2-0 at Hampden and then put 10 past them at Wembley. After that we'll go on to win Euro 2000 without conceding a goal, including the penalty shoot out against the Germans in the semi-finals. We'll then go on and qualify for the World Cup finals in 2002 where David Beckham will shine and our play will be lauded wherever we go". "In fact people will be calling my team not just the greatest ever England team but the greatest team to grace this planet. I will be knighted, of course and David Beckham will become Captain for his commanding authority and first class example on the pitch".
"We'll easily defend our European crown in 2004 and then we'll take the 2006 World Cup, with the players asking me to go and accept the trophy from the Queen as a mark of respect for what I have done for the good of the English game and the English nation in particular".
"Steady on!!" says Craig, "You're a bit optimistic there Kev!".
Kev looks at Craig and says "Well, you started it pal!"

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A Scotland football fan, out walking his dog in a Glasgow street, came across an old bottle from which a genie appeared, offering the man a wish (the usual way with bottles and genies in Glasgow). Startled, the fan asks if his dog could win at Crufts National Dog Show. The genie looks at the flea-bitten, limping dog and replies "I'm not a miracle worker. Think of another wish." The fan then asks "Can you make Scotland beat England 3-0?" The genie immediately says "Let me have another look at your dog."

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