Scottish Humour
- Bagpipes


While bagpipes sound terrific heard in Highland hills and glens, there are some people who do not respond favourably to the skirl of the pipes and resort to making jokes about them!

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A: Eventually, people get tired of jumping on a trampoline.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: Why do pipers march while they play?
A: A moving target is harder to hit

Q: Why do pipers march while they play?
A: To get away from the sound.

Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?

Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A person who plays the bagpipes and owns a telephone.

Q. What do you have when a piper is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand!

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.


A Canadian officer, pinned down with his unit in Italy in 1944, urgently signalled his CO - "Need reinforcements to rescue us. Please send six tanks or one piper".


An old Scot, after living for many years in a far-away land, was dying. He called his doctor and asked for one last favour. The doctor agreed and the old Scot said he wanted to hear the pipes played one more time before he died. A piper was duly summoned and marched up and down the hallway playing mightily. In the morning, the old Scot was so invigorated he arose, dressed, and went home. All of the other patients were dead.


Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNeil from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."


This is a true story (reported by Reuters). Daniel McCaig, a worker at the Bombardier aircraft manufacturing plant in Toronto was annoyed at the move to lay-off 130 workers. So, dressed in his kilt, he hoisted himself three stories into the air on a crane and serenaded the factory with his bagpipes. He played Auld Lang Syne and other favourites for four hours - and responded to requests for particular tunes from his cheering workmates below. Afterwards, the company took him to court, claiming that the work stoppage had cost them C$200,000. However, the judge, exercising a considerable amount of "amazing grace" dismissed the case so long as McCaig did not serenade the Bombardier factory again. McCaig was helped by five law students from York University in Toronto who drew up a defence based on "constitutional ethnic issues."


What do you throw a drowning bagpipes player? His bagpipes....


"At the end of the church service Sergeant McCrimmond played the bagpipes on the hillside above. Since that time, he has been stationed in Korea"


When someone tells a guitarist joke, people laugh.
When someone tells a bagpipe joke, people nod in solemn agreement.


A man in a kilt walks into a pub with a plastic bag under his arms and the bartender asks, "What's that?" "Six pounds of Semtex", he answers.
"That's a relief. I thought it was bagpipes."


Then there was the piper who remembered that he had left his pipes in his unlocked car. Rushing back, he opened his car door to find two more sets of pipes in the back seat.


A piper was sick of the band abusing him, and decided to start his own. He walked into a music shop, planning to buy the first instruments he saw. "Give me the red saxophone and that accordion!" he said. The assistant replied, "You play the pipes, don't you?" "That's right. Why?" "Well, the fire extinguisher I can sell you - but the radiator stays."


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