Scottish Humour
- Children Nowadays
As the years go by kids seem to have become more precocious and outspoken - or is that just a sign of old age?
Learning Your Numbers
The teacher asked little Jimmy McGregor if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three.""Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven.""Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?""A jack," says Jimmy~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How to Make Babies
Seven-year-old Morag came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep calm. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied Morag. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Goodbye Kiss
Young Kirsty was in the bathroom, watching her mother putting on her makeup, as she had done many times before. After her mother applied her lipstick and started to leave, young Kirsty looked up and said, "But Mummy, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bad Grammar
Wee Donald wasn't very good at grammar and spelling at Auchentoshan Primary School and the teacher kept testing him in the hope that he would eventually learn. One day the teacher asked Wee Donald "Give me a sentence beginning with 'I' " Wee Donald thought for a moment and then began "I is..." The teacher angrily interrupted him and firmly said: "How many times do I have to tell you that you must always say 'I am' !" Wee Donald looked crestfallen and resumed: "All right. I am the letter in the alphabet after H...."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Facts of Life
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth in a field and noticed that his son was watching from the fence. The farmer thought it was maybe time to tell his son about the "birds and the bees" so when the calf was duly born, he walked over and casually said to his wide-eyed son, "Well, do you have any questions?" The boy blurted out "Just one question - how fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Same But Different
Sandy and Geordie were walking home from Sunday school at Auchterwearie in the Western Highlands after hearing a strong sermon on the devil. Sandy eventually said to Geordie, "What do you think about all this Beelzebub stuff?" Geordie thought for a moment and then said brightly, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coping With Kids
Morag had three young children and they were driving her crazy. She complained to her best friend about the relentless demands of such a young family and her friend suggested that she should get a play-pen to give her some respite. So Morag bought a large playpen. A few days later she phoned her friend to say how well it had worked out. "I can't believe how good it is! I can drink most of a cup of tea and answer all my e-mail on a lap-top - before the first one climbs over it and joins me!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You Choose
My mother always gave us two choices at meal times - take it or leave it...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's My Name
Wee Hughie said sadly that until he was 15 he thought his name was "Shutup".~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Watch Out, Teacher
Jamie was getting a string of bad marks at primary school but one day he hung back at the end of the day and approached the teacher looking very solemn. When he got close, he announced in a concerned voice "I don't want to worry you, but my daddy says that if I don't start getting better marks, somebody is going to get a spanking. So watch out!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Holiday?
Senga had been producing a child every year for ten years. After the tenth delivery, the nurse congratulated her on producing such a large family but then tactfully suggested that Senga should think about ten children being enough. "Are you kidding?" Senga replied. "This is the only holiday and break from all the family I get each year!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Smart Alec
Wee Alec was the brightest lad in Primary 7 at Ballochmyle Primary. When the teacher asked the class "Can you name the Great Lakes in North America, between Canada and USA?" there was a pause, before Wee Alec's hand shot up. "I don't need to name them miss. Somebody else has already done that..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don't Laugh!
Angus ran crying to his mother, rubbing his posterior. His mother asked: "Angus, why are you crying?" Angus sobbed, "Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" His mother looked surprised at that and suggested that it wasn't something to cry over - and he should have just laughed. Angus rubbed his behind and replied tearfully, "I DID laugh!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Accents
Wee Geordie from Glasgow was four years old and was puzzled by the way his cousins from Aberdeen spoke. He asked his mother why they spoke in such a strange way. His mother explained that they had an "accent" and that to an Aberdonian, his Glasgow accent would sound strange too. Wee Geordie's eyes got wider as he understood the implications of this. Then he said: "You mean that they not only speak funny, they hear funny too?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How Does It Come Out?
Catriona's mother was trying hard to get the tomato ketchup out of the bottle (we all know how hard that is) when the phone rang. Thinking that it was probably her husband phoning to say he was going to be late - again - she asked Catriona to answer it. She regretted that decision as soon as she heard Catriona say to the caller "Mum can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don't Wear That
Wee Morag was watching her parents getting dressed for the annual office dinner/dance and she watched as her father put on his black bow tie and evening suit. She looked up and said sadly "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit and tie." Her father looked surprised and asked why not. Wee Morag, wise beyond her years, replied "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the Baby's Name?
4-year-old Elspeth was excited when she was told that her mother was expecting a baby. She listened carefully to everything her parents said about the impending birth. So when she was out shopping with her mother and they met a neighbour, she wanted to join in the conversation about the new arrival. She got her opportunity when she was asked if she was excited about having a baby brother or sister. "Oh yes," she replied, "and I know what the baby's name is to be. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's a boy we're going to call it Quits!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mummy and Daddy
Wee Morag was only three, but she had an enquiring mind. So when she dropped a chocolate biscuit on the ground and her mother told her not to pick it up, she inevitably asked "Why?" Her mother explained that it could have picked up germs that could give her a sore tummy if she ate them. Wee Morag was impressed by this answer and then asked "How do you know all this stuff?" Her mother thought quickly and reckoned she was being clever by replying "It's in the Mummy test - they don't let you be a Mummy unless you know it all...." Wee Morag pondered this new revelation for a few moments and then beamed up at her Mum. "I get it! If you fail the test you have to be the Daddy."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good Advice
Fiona was a working mum and she was struggling to cope with her job and look after the house and two lively children. Whenever the tension and stress was too much and giving her a headache, she recalled the advice of her own mother on how deal with the situation: "Do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.' It works every time."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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