Scottish Humour
- Glaswegians
City Chambers, George Square, Glasgow
The industrial city of Glasgow, which is twice the size of the capital of Scotland, Edinburgh, has a tough reputation which comes through in some of the jokes told about (and by) Glaswegians. Of course, as many visitors will testify, the citizens of Glasgow are also the friendliest and most sociable in a country where such characteristics are already at a high level.
A pigeon from George Square in Glasgow was boasting to one from Central Station about how often he managed to "bless" the people passing by. "Whit's your score rate?" it asked. Its pal replied "Ach, I dinna ken. Aboot wan in three, mebbe, They pedestrians have taken tae runnin' lately." The first pigeon responded "Huh! Doon in George Square I hit seven oota ten, nae bother." His pal was unimpressed. "That's nae great shakes. If I had all them big-heided cooncillors strollin' in an oot o' the City Chambers, I'd score ten oota ten every time."
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Notice in a Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow, restaurant - "Kids - eat two for the price of one..." to which a passing non-customer had added "I can't eat a whole child, far less two..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Glasgow teachers are known to use the following translations for the remarks they make on pupils' report cards:
"A born leader" - Runs a protection racket
"Easy-going" - Bone idle
"Good progress" - You should have seen him a year ago
"Friendly" - Never shuts up
"Helpful" - A creep
"Reliable" - Informs on his friends
"Expresses himself confidently" - Impertinent
"Enjoys physical education" - A bully
"Does not accept authority easily" - Dad is in prison
"Often appears tired" - Stays up all night watching television
"A rather solitary child" - He smells
"Popular in the playground" - Sells pornography~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sandy and his friend Angus lived in identical tenement flats in Glasgow. One night at the pub Sandy mentioned he had just papered the kitchen. Angus said, "I've been wanting tae dae that! How much paper did ye get?"
"Seven rolls," said Sandy. A week later they met again and Angus says, "Here you! I had two and a half rolls of paper left over frae my kitchen."
"Aye", says Sandy, "So did I."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Heaven seems vera little improvement on Glesca" a Glasgow man is said to have murmured after his death to a friend who had predeceased him. "Man, this is not Heaven," the other replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you're staying in Glasgow? When you call the hotel desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the response is "go ahead".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Glaswegians consider Edinburgh to be in the east - the Far East. Edinburghers consider Glasgow to be in the west - the Wild West.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jimmy was walking across the suspension bridge on the Clyde when he saw a man about to jump into the water. Jimmy tried to stop him by suggesting he should think of his family. "I dinna have a family" was the response. "Well, think about Rangers" but the man was not a Rangers supporter. "Well think about Celtic then." But he was not a Celtic supporter either. "Och in that case," said Jimmy, "Jump, ye atheist."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The only plumber in Glasgow to charge reasonable fees died and was sent to Hell by mistake. Eventually it was realised in Heaven that there was an honest Glaswegian plumber in the wrong place so Saint Peter telephoned (on the hot line) to Satan.
"Have you got an honest plumber there?"
"Yes."
"He's ours, so can you send him up?"
"You can't have him!"
"Why not?"
"Because he's the only one who understands air conditioning. It's really cool down here now."
"Send him up at once," shouted Saint Peter, "or we'll sue."
"You'll sue?" laughed the voice at the other end. "And where will you get hold of a lawyer in Heaven?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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