Scottish Humour
- Too Much to Drink

Dewar's Whisky

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The Scots (and the Irish) have a terrible reputation for consuming large quantities of alcoholic beverages. Some of that reputation is even justified...

Scottish proverb - "Never drink whisky with water and never drink water without whisky".

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A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."

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"The Scotch (sic) do not drink... During the whole of two or three pleasant weeks spent lecturing in Scotland, I never on any occasions saw whisky made use of as a beverage. I have seen people take it, of course, as a medicine, or as a precaution, or as a wise offset against a rather treacherous climate; but as a beverage, never."

Stephen Leacock, author and humorist.

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Angus's long-suffering wife was fed up with her husband's unfortunate fondness of a not-so-wee dram. Most evenings he would roll home from the pub considerably the worse for wear. His wife resolved to cure him. Late one All Hallows' Eve, she put a bedsheet over her head, hid behind the bushes at the front door of their croft, and waited for her wayward hubby to come home. Eventually Angus staggered up the path.
His wife, in disguise, jumped out from behind the bushes, and cried out, "Angus! I'm the Devil! And I've come to warn ye ..."
"The Devil, you say?" Angus interrupted. "Then ye must come in and have a dram wi' me, kinsman. I do believe I'm married to your sister!"

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Sandy was sitting at the bar drinking double whiskies in one gulp as fast as the barman could put them in front of him. He eventually explained that it was the only way he could drink them after a terrible accident. "What sort of accident?" asked the barman. "Terrible," said Sandy. "I knocked one over with my elbow."

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"Alcohol is your trouble," said the judge to the drunk. "Alcohol alone is responsible for your present predicament." The drunk looked pleased as he said "Thank you, judge. Everyone else says it's my fault!"

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Alex told his friends that he couldn't come to the pub because his wife was doing bird imitations - she was watching him like a hawk.

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Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear.

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Jock reckoned he was a great judge of a glass of whisky - and a merciless executioner.

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How do you persuade a Scotsman to go on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house...

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Dr MacGregor checked over his patient and said with a puzzled frown. "I can't really tell what the trouble is. I think it must be due to drink." Willie said, understandingly "Ach, that's all right doctor. I'll come back when you're sober."

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In Scotland a seven course meal is a bottle of whisky and a six-pack of beer.

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McTavish was always coming home from the pub in the wee sma' hoors of the morning. Eventually he found this note from his wife - "The day before yesterday you came home yesterday morning. Yesterday you came home this morning. So if today you come home tomorrow morning you will find that I left you yesterday."

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Having returned at 3a.m. from the office party, very much the worse for wear, Malkie woke his wife with a dreadful noise. She came downstairs to find Malkie kicking the fridge and shouting "The cash machine isnae workin'"

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A man called at Jock's door collecting for the Home for Chronic Alcoholics. Jock's wife answered the door and said "Call back after closing time. You can collect my husband then."

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Hughie arrived at Sadie's flat with a "carry-oot" of cans of beer and a bottle of whisky. After half an hour of chat, Hughie eventually asked "When are the others coming for the party?" Sadie looked surprised. "The party was last night! And what's more, you were there!"

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